The “4 Fucks” of SantaCon
- Don’t fuck with children.
- Don’t fuck with cops.
- Don’t fuck with security.
- Don’t fuck with Santa.
Memorize the answers to questions that may arise:
Who’s in charge? “Santa”
What organization are you with? “Santa”
What are you protesting? “Shitty holiday parties”
How did you get here? “A sleigh and eight tiny reindeer”
Where are you going next? “Put on this hat, buy me a drink, then I’ll tell
- Holiday apparel is mandatory! A Santa hat is not enough.
Buy a Santa suit. Make a Santa suit. Paint on a Santa suit. Steal a Santa suit.
No money? Be creative!
Glue cotton balls to red long johns. Make it purple. Make it pink.
Already have a Santa suit? Make a spare so Santa can assimilate strangers.
REMEMBER SHARING IS CARING
Past examples: pimp Santa, Santa Garcia, Santa’s naughty little helper, candy cane, elf, reindeer, Christmas tree, Chanukah Chicken, Santasaurus
- The following are your evening’s best friends (or at least SILENT enemies)
- Police Officers
- Security Guards
- Store Owners
- Getting arrested is NOT FUN, for you and for anyone else involved! The authorities and local businesses usually take Santa’s antics in the loving holiday spirit Santa intends, so be nice to them.
- The “schedule” is open to liberal interpretation by Santa. There is no Santa in charge to call the day of. [If you can’t show up for the start, get the cell number of someone who can help you catch up later or look at the posted map & try to catch to us somewhere in the designated areas]
- Santa does not make children cry (unless they whine, snivel, or otherwise deserve it).
- Give kids toys, candy, or something pleasant.
- Feel free to urinate on the parents.
- Santa dresses for all occasions. It’s December. Smart Santa’s wear multiple costume layers. Dress to maximize merriment whether singing Christmas carols in the snow, or swinging from a stripper pole.
- Santa doesn’t whine! We will be outside much of the day and covering a lot of ground on foot—bring enough “snacks” to keep your pie-hole filled until we get indoors.
- Don’t be “that” Santa. Your friends want to have fun, not scrape the puke out your beard or prevent your wasted ass from wandering into traffic.
- Pay your own god damn bar tab! Tip the bartenders generously for putting up with us.